Asher visits, causes artistry

We had a visitor, a dude named Asher, the other day over on a Man Boobz thread about gaming.  I believe that he left approximately 1,000 of the (currently) 1,130 comments on that post. While it’s a bit hard to summarize his contribution to the discussion, you can get a pretty good idea by visiting the link in katz’ comment below:

I put together an Asher-English dictionary, if anyone’s interested.

Opinions differ on whether Asher was boring or (unintentionally) hilarious; I come down in the boring camp, so I’m going to try to inoculate people from boredom by liberally sprinkling this post with GIFs.


Sad cat gets sad when she sees Asher define what is and what isn’t torture. Waterboarding is not torture. No, according to Asher only something like this is torture:

In ancient Persia when someone questioned the deific status of the King they would put them in a wooden box and force feed them. After awhile insects would come lay eggs in the box. Eventually, the person would die from organ failure due to the insects eating out their insides.

hellkell speculates as to what the actual cause of death might be:

Or being bloviated at by Asher.

CassandraSays notes that Asher-bloviation might actually be worse:

Death-by-insects sounds less painful. At least they might occasionally be quiet.



She elaborates:

Asher is more like the kind of torture where they lock you in a room and blast “We’re Not Going To Take It Anymore” at you on constant loop for 12 hours.

And further:

And then when the music finally stops someone reads you a car repair manual for the next 12 hours.

I think this GIF accurately sums up the reactions of most manboobzers to torture-by-Asher:


At a different point in the discussion, CassandraSays expresses sympathy for people whose careers involve having to read such bloviation regularly:

Reading some of the shit that trolls post here has given me so much more respect for college professors. Can you imagine having to grade dozens of essays that read like that? It’s amazing that more of them don’t go postal.

It’s almost like she’s psychic. Asher posts exactly the kind of shitthatneverhappened.txt that is the fodder for Reddit’s /r/thathappened:

As an undergrad, in at least four of my classes I actually had the professor ask me if he could copy a paper I’d written and pass it around to the other students as a model of what a parsimonious and concisely argued undergrad paper should look like. I’m not interested in the spotlight so I made sure they didn’t have my name on the paper and I told no one else in the class.

Can confirm story. Am spotlight.

This is when the fun REALLY starts!


CassandraSays continues Asher’s story, only more believably:

And then there was a spaceship, and the aliens came out and said “Asher, you are just the man we were looking for! Can you fix our ship?”, but he said “no, because you lack intellectual honesty”. And then a unicorn offered him a blowjob and a million dollars in bitcoins.

Much like Asher, the story keeps going:

But then all the other students figured out it was me anyway, partly because the unicorn was still following me around. It was a male unicorn, you see, so it was really motivated to keep offering me that blowjob. And then the other students elected me Official Genius and Dictator For Life.

GIF_SadSlowLorisAnd going:

The aliens were so sad that he wasn’t impressed with their intellectual honesty that they offered to move the goalposts around for him, in the hopes that some day he would agree to teach them about Greek philosophy.

And finally YoullNeverGuess brings the story to an end:

Asher stopped by the aliens’ space ship to pick up some unicorn food, only to discover that the aliens were throwing a party for everyone on campus. When Asher asked why he hadn’t heard about the party, the aliens explained that while they all liked him very much personally, he was only 1% tribal, and that was a problem for them.

Asher began a fascinating lecture on the philosophical implications of tribes as pertaining to exclusionary behavior and oppression. Unfortunately, he was only able to enlighten everyone for about 45 minutes, when suddenly the lights went off, the music stopped, and people remembered that they had to get a super early the following morning.

The aliens gave him a lifetime supply of unicorn food and told him that they were going to try fixing the ship on their own, so he didn’t need to come around anymore. Asher just laughed and shook his head. Who did those aliens think they were kidding? They were females.

Sadly, the unicorn didn’t exactly thrive around Asher.


About cloudiah

I contain platitudes.
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