After Jessay (@Jessay) posted a YouTube video of misogynist & ignoramus Onision comparing alimony to slavery (while periodically pausing to brush his bangs out of his eyes), it was clear that something had to be done. So Polliwog did it! Please read Polliwog’s awesome/helpful guide. That is all.
So You Want to Compare Something to Slavery
A Helpful Guide for Stupid People on the Internet
So, you’re upset about something and want to make it clear just how terrible you think that thing is by comparing it to slavery. But wait! Did you know slavery was actually really bad? Before you compare something to slavery, please answer the following questions about the thing that upsets you:
1. Does it involve you having to engage in brutally hard labor for hours on end for no pay? (Note: “not as much pay as you would ideally like” is very different from “no pay.”)
2. Does it mean you literally and explicitly are legally considered subhuman? (Note: the word “literally” is important. And it means “literally.” If you are the sort of person who says things like, “My head literally exploded!” you may punch yourself in the face now.)
3. Does it involve people literally owning you as property? (See above re: “literally.”)
4. Does it cause you to be denied basic rights guaranteed under the US Constitution or your country’s equivalent, e.g. the right to vote?
5. Does it present a serious risk of you dying of preventable causes? (Note: metaphorical “dying” does not count. We are not talking about dying of embarrassment, or dying of frustration, but rather your heart actually stopping and blood flow to your brain ceasing.)
6. Does it involve one or more of the following: being starved, being beaten, being raped, being kept in chains, being forced to strip naked and allow strangers to inspect you like a farm animal, being denied access to basic education, being kidnapped and taken on an incredibly grueling voyage to a foreign country?
If you answered “yes” to all of the above, congratulations! Your comparison to slavery is entirely reasonable. If you answered “yes” to at least one or two of the above, congratulations! Your comparison to slavery is at least not entirely stupid. If you answered “no” to all of the above, congratulations! You are a fucking moron.
If this lesson has been helpful to you, be sure to come back next week, when we’ll be learning why we do not compare things to the Holocaust unless they actually involve horrifically murdering lots of people.