Polliwog’s So You Want to Compare Something to Slavery

After Jessay (@Jessay) posted a YouTube video of misogynist & ignoramus Onision comparing alimony to slavery (while periodically pausing to brush his bangs out of his eyes), it was clear that something had to be done. So Polliwog did it! Please read Polliwog’s awesome/helpful guide. That is all.

So You Want to Compare Something to Slavery
A Helpful Guide for Stupid People on the Internet

So, you’re upset about something and want to make it clear just how terrible you think that thing is by comparing it to slavery. But wait! Did you know slavery was actually really bad? Before you compare something to slavery, please answer the following questions about the thing that upsets you:

1. Does it involve you having to engage in brutally hard labor for hours on end for no pay? (Note: “not as much pay as you would ideally like” is very different from “no pay.”)

2. Does it mean you literally and explicitly are legally considered subhuman? (Note: the word “literally” is important. And it means “literally.” If you are the sort of person who says things like, “My head literally exploded!” you may punch yourself in the face now.)

3. Does it involve people literally owning you as property? (See above re: “literally.”)

4. Does it cause you to be denied basic rights guaranteed under the US Constitution or your country’s equivalent, e.g. the right to vote?

5. Does it present a serious risk of you dying of preventable causes? (Note: metaphorical “dying” does not count. We are not talking about dying of embarrassment, or dying of frustration, but rather your heart actually stopping and blood flow to your brain ceasing.)

6. Does it involve one or more of the following: being starved, being beaten, being raped, being kept in chains, being forced to strip naked and allow strangers to inspect you like a farm animal, being denied access to basic education, being kidnapped and taken on an incredibly grueling voyage to a foreign country?

If you answered “yes” to all of the above, congratulations! Your comparison to slavery is entirely reasonable. If you answered “yes” to at least one or two of the above, congratulations! Your comparison to slavery is at least not entirely stupid. If you answered “no” to all of the above, congratulations! You are a fucking moron.

If this lesson has been helpful to you, be sure to come back next week, when we’ll be learning why we do not compare things to the Holocaust unless they actually involve horrifically murdering lots of people.

This bunny is very wisely not comparing things to slavery

This bunny is very wisely not comparing things to slavery

About cloudiah

I contain platitudes.
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22 Responses to Polliwog’s So You Want to Compare Something to Slavery

  1. Aaliyah says:

    I wish I could like this a thousand times.

  2. cloudiah says:

    All you have to do is create a thousand different gravatars. 😉

  3. Etelka says:

    Actually, that bunny was over on 4chan last week comparing crabgrass to slavery.

  4. katz says:

    I actually can like it 1000 times, because I am secretly a group of 1000 women.

  5. Kittehserf says:

    What? You’re not secretly a goup of 1000 cats!?! I haz a disappoint.

  6. cloudiah says:

    katz is actually 10,000 cats in 1,000 woman suits.

  7. Kittehserf says:

    I believe it!

    The Dark Lord’s army is preparing to strike. Bwahahahahaha!

  8. I think your entry is fair enough for the most part, but many slaves WERE paid, mostly for work done for people who weren’t their “owners.” Also, I think you’re being a little too literal. Analogies don’t have to be perfect, they just have to be relevant in a certain way. When we say that, for example, someone is a fascist, we don’t literally mean that they advocate a mixed economy or that they support imperialist warfare to unite their population and squash dissent.

  9. cloudiah says:

    Francois, I think you’re being a tad too analytical for a humor blog. Also, saying things are “slavery” or “fascism” that are really nothing like either slavery or fascism doesn’t really advance the discussion, even in a non-humorous setting. I’m putting you on moderation until I see if you get the point of this blog.

  10. No, I understand the point of this blog. I read manboobz sometimes even though Futrelle is a total funfem, and I found link to this entry through the comments. It just sounds like a serious analysis, and I treated it as such. If it’s a joke, it should be a little more obvious.

  11. cloudiah says:

    What isn’t obvious about this blog? Check out the name of the blog, the About page, the content, the GIFs, etc. The purpose is to document to cool shit produced on manboobz.com. If you want to argue with David (or with Polliwog), there may be more appropriate fora. Although I am followed by like 20 people, so if you’re looking for a mass audience this is totally the place for it.

    In any case, I feel like I already responded to whatever substance was in your comment (and Polliwog kind of pre-responded, but isn’t here to respond for hirself) so I’m not getting the point of this discussion. So I may not approve any more of your comments. Unless you’re actually talking about the artistry produced while mocking misogyny.

  12. Wait, what’s a funfem? I tried to Google it and I can’t find a definition.

    Also, comparing things to fascism which aren’t like fascism isn’t good either. Godwin’s Law should probably be expanded.

  13. A funfem is a “feminist” who thinks it’s all about being “fun” and appeal to men. Basically a FELINE* term for liberal feminism and its emphasis on having fun as opposed to fighting for women’s rights.

    *[Derogatory term replaced by blog owner.]

  14. cloudiah says:

    Approving Tremblay’s comment because zie’s answering a question, but I think that will be the last I approve from hir.

  15. cloudiah says:

    Confidential to Francois Tremblay (no one else read this, m’kay?)
    If it makes you feel better to think I am blocking you because I am so afraid of your MIGHTY HAMMER OF TRUTH, fine. What’s actually true is that this blog is like my living room, and you’re like the asshat who tagged along with one of my friend’s for a visit, lit up a cigarette without asking, spilled tomato sauce on the carpet, and decided to turn every conversation into “Let me tell you why libertarianism is the answer” and then refused to leave when I told him he was being an asshat and should leave. Because FREEZE PEACH! This blog is my living room; my living room = my rules. Rule #1: Don’t be an asshat.

    You fail at not being an asshat, so you’re unceremoniously tossed out of my living room. Bye.

  16. cloudiah says:

    And not so confidential to everyone, Francois Tremblay apparently made comment endorsing violence on Man Boobz, which is why he was banned.

  17. So like, if a college’s women’s department has some fun little fundraiser or something, does Tremblay get pissed at them?

  18. Kittehserf says:

    “Basically a FELINE* term for liberal feminism”

    Can’t we just cut out the middle bit and go to felinism? Think of the advances we’d make if we had the Furrinati (or even – dare I say it – the Great Furred Ones) onside!

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