Standard (and Non-Standard) Vaginal Access — Now with Hot Tubs

[Warning: One image in this post is possibly NSFW. Oh, why bother with a warning — everyone knows ladies don’t actually WORK.]

Consider this a late Valentine’s Day post. In 2012, David published a post on how the misogynists over at the Spearhead were celebrating the holiday. (Hint: It involved sharing drawings of boys peeing on girls, calling women bitches and man-traps, and LOLing about Asian women.)

Manboobzer Crumbelievable noticed an … interesting comment from a regular Spreadheader named Keyster (all spellings sic):

This is a Woman’s Day for validating romantic intention from the man, whether he wants to or not. It’s his reminder that the pedestal established early on still exists, and that ultimately he’s subserviant to the expectation that her happiness and contentment is assured. She has no obligation, other than to acknowledge and appreciate his thoughtfulness by permitting standard vaginal acccess on what’s typically an off night. She’ll feel the “balance of power” has been reinstated and he’ll be grateful she tolerates him.

Manboobzers immediately start snortling about the “standard vaginal access” phrase and other interesting bits in Keyster’s comment.


It’s giving me a really clear mental picture of a woman hiking up (but leaving on) her nightgown, spreading her legs, then immediately opening up a nice book so that she has something to entertain her while her vagina is being accessed.

It’s also making me really glad that I only permit standard vaginal access to people who seem to like me, rather than people who are openly resentful that they have to ask permission from some stupid ol’ woman before they’re allowed to have sex with her.


I’m also somewhat amused/befuddled by the bit about how this is “typically an off night.” Is this another case of the woman-Borg? Do all women collectively have a sex-schedule that excludes Tuesdays or February or something?


The phrase “standard vaginal access” just makes me think “get a Real Doll”. I don’t even mean that in a snarky way – if that’s all a dude is looking to get out of a relationship, then he’d be better off just buying a Real Doll, or a Fleshlight if he’s on a budget. If all that icky humanness and personality stuff that women have pisses you off, then why date?

Then again I guess getting a Real Doll would rob them of the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The High Lord Manboobzer himself:

I think this needs to be a t-shirt. Or at least an amusing drawing or graphic!

Let me see what I can do.


This drawing, of course, is a takeoff on this one.


Standard vaginal access. Wow. A more stoic acceptance of the non-participation of the vagina’s owner I have never heard. Why, he doesn’t even insist that she pretend to be enthusiastic in return for her pink-wrapped chocolates, the poor brave soul.

pervocracy creates more art:


kirbywarp and David prove that great minds think alike:

While we’re at it, what does non-standard vaginal access entail? Keep in mind that this is just access, not implying any sort of action.


Also, what would “non-standard vaginal access” look like?

Shadow tries to imagine…

I’m picturing retinal scans, flashing lights and heavy metal doors.. though that could just be a result of my Eureka marathon


Identification confirmed. User authorized to initiate standard vaginal access.

Pervocracy explains non-standard vaginal access for beginners:

Non-standard vaginal access means you can book parties with two weeks’ advance notice, and have full use of the kitchen facilities.

kirbywarp connects the dots:

MRAs don’t know it, but this is the true form of the “pussy pass.” It’s just an access card rather than a key card.

Pervocracy explains further:

Club-level vaginal access also includes the steam room, hot tub, and tanning booths.

Molly Ren wonders:

There’s a *hot tub* in there? o.o *Looks down at vagina suspiciously*.

lowquacks gives us the bureacratic rundown:

Vaginal access and licensing standards differ worldwide. Contact your local Department of Vaginas for a pamphlet or ask a Registered Vagina Training Organisation for information concerning qualification(s)/courses. Your pamphlet will be delivered in 5-7 working days. Some exemptions and exceptions may apply for vaginas manufactured between 1958-1987 inclusive.

A processing fee may apply.


kladle provides an illustration:


AbsintheDexterous gets a mental picture:

“Standard vaginal access” sounds so completely unsexy, I sure as hell wouldn’t permit anyone who said that any access – substandard or standard – to mine.

And now I’m picturing a robotic female with HAL-like glowing nipples saying “Please place palms on Breast Detector Unit for verification. Thank you.” A naked guy places his hands on the robotic breasts and a moment goes by…”Verified. You have permission for Standard Vaginal Access.”

Pervocracy lets us know that further upgrades are available:

Platinum vaginal access is transferrable to all participating vaginas in your home state, and includes concierge booking services.



About cloudiah

I contain platitudes.
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