This older bit of artistry might only be amusing to me, but this is a fairly self-absorbed blog so I’m gonna run with it.
dicipres, the author of the widely-unread “A Guide for a Young Patriarch,” is an occasional Man Boobz troll. After Lady Zombie accidentally summons him by linking to his blog, he arrives to argue that women who marry up have more orgasms or something like that. (It turns out that it’s more likely that women who are better educated report more orgasms, but you know, the scientists are still working this one out. Few trolls are deterred by mere science anyway!)
Now we have to go on a continents-spanning scavenger hunt to assemble the tools and knowledge we need to banish him!
OK, Falconer, you can start by going to the Valley of Dread and looking for the obsidian obelisk. Make a rubbing of the map on its west side.
Cloudiah, be ready to follow the map when Falconer gets back. You’ll need goggles, 50 feet of rope, a pickax, and a gerbil. The map should lead you to the Caves of Forgotten Wonders. Do not be distracted by the crystals; they are deadly to the touch. Go directly to the end and take the Soul Diamond.
Viscaria, find the identity of the long-lost Prince of Atlantis and present him with the Soul Diamond. He should give you the Sword of Righteousness in return for saving the life of his beloved.
Meanwhile, Sharculese and Pillowinhell will need to navigate the Foreboding Swamp, where Golgar the Trollslayer vanished. His shield should be there somewhere. If you can’t find it, strike a tuning fork (E or A) on a rock and the shield will glow. You need to both go because lifting the shield requires two people.
Only with the sword and shield will Pecunium be able to defeat the stone troll in the Black Mountains. Once defeated, enter its lair and bring back the Fell Candle.
Dracula, go to the Library of the Ancients and look up the Troll-Banishing Runes. When you’re calculating the correct sequence for this time of year, remember that leap days hadn’t been invented at the time.
Tulgey, you’re responsible for drawing the pentagram in blood (A positive). If you don’t have any, make sure to go to the blood bank first. Inscribe the runes around the pentagram, light the candle, step inside, and dicipres should vanish unless Jupiter and Venus are in conjunction.
This sounds like a workable plan, but it turns out that organizing manboobzers is a bit like herding cats.
First, Falconer misunderstands his task:
Here is one, slightly muddy and somewhat dragoned, Internets.
katz rebukes him sternly for failing to follow directions:
NOT AN INTERNET I TOLD YOU TO GET A MAP
Then pillowinhell worries that she’s not up to her task:
Katz, I can only hope my partner in this mission has a better sense of direction! You see, I didn’t get kicked outta hell so much as I sorta slunk off and randomly found myself here…
cloudiah (hi, it’s me!) seems compliant at first:
Mission accepted! [goes off to find a gerbil]
I’ve found a capybara, but she wants to wear the goggles! pillowhell, perhaps you could fax me that hamster just in case.
katz patiently explains why the capybara might not do on this particular scavenger hunt:
Well, a capybara is a useful companion on any adventure, but the trouble is he won’t be able to squeeze through the crack in the cave wall to get to the lever that opens the portcullis.
@Ozy, I’ve never done a quest. If you ignore Dracula and Viscaria and come with me, I will give you a gently used capybara with vision problems. Thx for your consideration.
Viscaria quickly counters:
MY QUEST IS BEST QUEST AND ALSO I CAN GIVE YOU A LIFETIME’S SUPPLY OF SALTY CRYSTAL LIGHT.
Dracula turns it into a bidding war:
Bet there’s some pretty cool old books in the Library of the Ancients. Just sayin’…
Don’t listen to Viscaria. Salt is bad for your blood pressure. Come with me, and eat all the traditional Danish kringle you like. The pecan and the cream cheese varieties are particularly good. OMG my people are so good with the pastries!
[Editorial note: When cloudiah, who is not a baker, takes credit for the well-known Scandihoovian talents at pastry-making, it is a little like the MRA battle cry of “we hunted the mammoth to feed you,” but her fellow manboobzers are too nice to point that out.]
Back to the issue of who should accompany cloudiah to the Caves of Forgotten Wonders, cloudiah raises concerns about bringing a ferret, citing this video evidence:
Manboobzers commence arguing about the ferret-ness of that creature.
pillowinhell expresses some confusion about her role in the hunt, and also fails to fax the hamster as requested:
Wait wut? I’m suppossed to be in the Swamp now? But I’ve been commisioned to bring a Wild Narcissistic Miscreant to justice! Now, if I can just find my way around this courthouse…let’s see….I follow the sun until ten am…divide by room 101 and turn left at the purple rock with pink polkadots…
Oh yeah. My hamster had some silly objection to the rollers on the fax machine. Waddlebum used his Substitute ability and summoned an eight inch tall, pink stuffed Chatimal which will repeat anything you say in a squeaky voice. Um though it is kinda spread a little thin over an eight by eleven space. Hope it helps!
However, pillowinhell also offers assistance to pecunium:
Oh and uh pecunium? Here’s a Karmic Frying Pan of fate. I borrowed it from Yaweh a couple of millenia ago. I don’t think he’s missed it though. I have heard that his wife Judith has been looking for it….
Still…its always good in a pinch. Just try not to turn anyone a pillar of salt okay?
pecunium graciously accepts:
Great. I’ll just put it in the lumber room, with the tack-hammer Thor left behind the last time he came through with the goat cart.
Halite also generously chips in:
I also have a large supply of swamp-proof galoshes, if those might come in handy. I’m all out of the red ones, though. Had a goblin horde through here last week and they were awfully partial to them.
No word on whether or not the scavenger hunt was a success, but I suspect it was because dicipres went away.
Meanwhile, at the same time this was going on, manboobzers were carrying on a pretty interesting discussion about the idea (posed by Ruby Hypatia) that all women are attracted to men who are good providers — a discussion that Ruby herself seems sadly immune to, even though katz links to a prestigious journal debunking her ideas. Her complete failure to engage in good faith with others’ arguments causes pecunium to give up and just start composing limericks:
So Ruby, my friends, is a lackwit
Pretending that we never say shit
Her arguments frisky
Should be taken with whisky
Be certain you’ve more than a wee bit.
There once was a red carborundum
Facing a tricky conundrum
She then turned her back
To head up the track
As though there ‘ad been none done.
When facing a question of fact
One need not worry ’bout tact
Ignore who said what
And sit on your butt
Repeating the same old attack
Well, this turned out to be kind of long, but it is still a lot shorter than the 10 pages of comments on that thread! Since you’ve been so patient, here is a dog enjoying the hell out of a trampoline: