Commenter and actual academic Ithiliana has something to say about Heartiste’s abuse of the English language:
I am posting without reading the 200 plus comments because oh my lord zombie jeebus, the PAIN!
“she is lit up like a vagina tree, with a squirting orgasm shooting out of the star on top.”
must, should, lead to the following scenario:
Heartiste cautiously peeks out the side window and flinches as he sees the fucking bigger than a cubit guns being toted by the METAPHOR MEN who are manly muscled men with major mustaches.
‘Excuse us, sir, but can you show us your license to use figures of speech.’
Heartiste ducks his head. ‘Um, no officer, I can’t.’
“Why the fuck not, sir?’
‘Mumble mumble don’t mumble one.’
‘Figured as much. OK, boys, book ‘im.’
Heartiste is dragged from his blog, spread-eagled on the ground, and shackled with chains that link to the 13 volumes of the COMPLEATE GUIDE TO YE FIGURES OF SPEECH.
He is barely able to stand, let alone stagger back to his blog.
‘OK, sir, you’re sentenced to intensive study of figurative language as remediation to avoid punishment for MANgling the language until it bleeds. We’ll be back next week with your first exam. Have a nice day, sir.’
*whew* that feels better.
I have to say, now I feel better too. If you want to see more of Heartiste’s terrible, terrible writing, quotes and links are available here.